Love and marriage .... and the opposite

When you are a writer — either a great one, a good one, or, in my case, a starving one, you sometimes look to other writers for inspiration. Although I do not tend to see myself living off my own writing (I do it only as sort of a cathartic release. That's why these blogs are rarely ever well thought out. They are, to excuse a vulgar visual, brain vomit) I would like to try and get better.

So I read others. And as I did recently, I came across this nugget of info from Mr. Anton Chekhov: "If you're afraid of loneliness, don't marry."

Alright, you got me. I'm never going to just pick up Chekhov. I read a book that quoted Chekhov. So at least I was reading someone who was sophisticated. Of course, me reading someone reading Chekhov is like a copy of a copy of a copy. My words tend to be a little blurrier.

But let's get back to that quote. Being fiercely independent and being lonely can go hand in hand, and it seems that while people really need to see how they can live and survive on their own, life works better when you have a connection with other people, and especially with that one special person. Does that mean that everyone is required to pair off? Of course not. In one simple sentence, Chekhov points to a fear of being alone as precisely NOT the reason to marry. There has been that standard among friends as "fallback" wives or husbands. "If neither of us are married by the time we're 40, we'll marry each other." As if 40 is the magic cutoff age for attractiveness or happiness. I'd like to tell everyone ... I am 39 and 10 months, and I am single and occasionally lonely, but I would be the worst candidate for marriage at this point.

So many people seem to have relationships figured out (judging by facebook posts at least) and sooooooo many others do not. There are books and classes and counseling sessions and exercises, and none of them really do any good. Only the actions of those involved in a relationship will decide whether that relationship will survive. Outside influences can help, but you can't "Dr. Phil" someone into making a marriage work. The only way you really know if that pot is boiling hot is by touching it. And by then, you've got a burned hand.

In job interviews, I always had a truthful and effective answer to the traditional question, "What is your biggest weakness?" Instead of that old standby, "I care too much," I say what is true. I tell them that I usually don't learn something new until I fail at it. Once I make a mistake, I know what not to do, and it always makes a greater impact.

Maybe that's why I am batting 0-for-1 in the marriage department. While not getting too detailed, I did things that I thought were in the service of the relationship that were for the most part, causing its demise. It was a series of bad decisions and explanations that will never be repeated if I have another chance at it. Ladies and gentlemen, the pot was scalding hot.

So now being thrust back into singledom (although that implies some sort of attempt at dating and a love life, which is so far from reality right now and in the foreseeable future that I tend to stay away from anything revolving around relationship status) I have had more time to become obsessed with particular things ... like reading people who read Chekhov, for one. And music, particularly old blues and jazz .... then classical ... then Phish (obviously) ... and then back to an old favorite, Stephen Sondheim.

Let's get the jokes out of the way. A single man in his late 30s listening to an inordinate amount of Sondheim might have to prove that he is heterosexual. But I can appreciate a Broadway showtune at the same time that I am filling out my March Madness bracket. It can be done, fellas.

So inspiration for writing can come from the man who Time Magazine called the great American playwright, even though he has been relegated to music and lyrics of stage shows. Sondheim, in my humble opinion, is the American Shakespeare. Of course in terms of playwrights, we have our Arthur Millers and Edward Albees and Tennessee Williamses, but more than any other person working in the theater, Sondheim writes words and poetry in a way that you believe cannot be constructed by any other human. His songs are like the perfect Tetris game. Not only are his words perfectly placed to rhyme and give meaning, but it's as if there is only one word in the human language that will fit at a particular place, and he always seems to find it. To do that, you have to be extremely intelligent and the opposite of lazy. Anyone can rhyme June with moon and spoon. Sondheim can do it in a way that makes simpleness become profound. He would most definitely not be attempting a "brain vomit."

Let's take an example of one of my favorite Sondheim numbers, "It Takes Two" from Into The Woods, a musical journey through the lives of several famous fairy tale characters and their lives after living "happily ever after." This duet takes place in the middle of the first act when the baker and his wife are in the middle of a journey to retrieve items that will reverse a curse and allow them to have a child. The song is not a showstopper. It is a diddy. It is not brassy and bombastic, like something from The Phantom of the Opera. It is simple, giving us a little insight into these two characters whose marriage is more than rocky. And yet, despite the innocence of the tune, it is simply brilliant songwriting.

I'm not an English teacher, but let's look at the fact that he sets his rhymes at the ends of his lines, like most people do, but he makes sure that words in the middle of his phrases are symmetrical as well. He doesn't need to do it, but it's why he is the master.

"If I DARE, it's because I'm becoming AWARE of us as a PAIR of us each accepting a SHARE of what's THERE."

I mean, come on! That's just not fair! (Yes, I'm joking) But on top of that, the sentence speaks to the event in the play, the actual journey of the characters and the emotional journey within their relationship and the fact that it is taking the "woods" to strengthen their bond. And he accomplished all of this in a little first act diddy. A diddy!

But now we come to my recent obsession, Company. Sondheim and playwright George Furth wrote this groundbreaking musical in the early 1970s about a bachelor about to turn 35 observing his married friends and contemplating why he is still single and if their marriages are any indication of true happiness. I have never been able to see this show live, but I have listened to the cast album countless times. I first heard it in college. In the days before Amazon.com, if a person wanted to purchase an album that was not readily available in their local store, they had to have the store order it. You would head to the cashier and leaf through a large book containing UPS codes, write your order out on a sheet of paper and wait 2-4 weeks for delivery. I ordered Company and Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti on the same day.

I enjoyed it in college, but mainly for the technical appreciation. I loved the music and lyrics and appreciated the humor and drama. I "got it." I knew what it was about, but only now, decades later, I really know what it's about. A few years ago, a young woman who is a friend told me that her favorite musical was Company. I responded, perhaps unintentionally rudely, "Really?" The woman was 20 or 21. She is studying to be an actor. She is incredibly talented and smart and clever, so I know that she "gets" Company the way I "got" Company back then. She will be in for a surprise in 20 years. If she loves it now, she will be overwhelmed by it later.

Unlike any other musical before it, Company truly is an adult show about adults. The creators have stated that every type of musical coming before it was about escape, and the people who would attend these Broadway shows would be upper class New Yorkers, most of them married, and they wanted that escape. Company was the exact opposite. It showed them everything about themselves. Sondheim said, "We wanted a show where the audience would sit for two hours and scream with laughter and then go home and not be able to sleep."

The show is about Bobby (or Bobby, baby or Bobby, bubby), who spends time with his friends, five married couples, each one at a different point in their relationship. One is in the process of getting divorced, but they still live together and have found that it has strengthened their relationship. One couple is about to get married, but not before the bride can have her showstopping cold feet number "Getting Married Today." Since it doesn't serve the purpose of this blog, I won't post it here, but seek it out on YouTube. It is astonishingly good.

Still another couple acts out through passive aggressive means including an impromptu karate match while another reveals hidden feelings after smoking pot. Each interaction is all too familiar to those of us who been in those battles, and it is sometimes hard to watch, even if the scenes are funny. And toward the end of the show, the matriarch of the bunch, who is on her third husband, does everything to get him to leave, but he knows her better and remains loyal.

During this time, they attempt to help Bobby find someone, the right one. A classic line from Furth is, "You've got to marry somebody, not just somebody." But maybe he is happy by himself. At the end of the first act, Bobby sings about what a perfect marriage should be, but never is. "Marry Me A Little" is exactly what the title implies: Don't get too deep because that's where the pain can lie. 

Marry me a little, love me just enough. Cry, but not too often, play but not too rough. Keep a tender distance so we'll both be free. That's the way it ought to be.

But we all know that isn't a marriage. It's not even what we really want a good marriage to be. So when Bobby declares, "I'm ready!" the close the song and the act, those of us who have been in it know he is not really ready.

It doesn't help that he gets advice from his friends that are all over the map. Most of the women want him to settle down, but they do not approve of any of his prospects. The men envy the freedom he has but only up to a point. They can live vicariously through him, but I doubt they would trade places with him. In one of the most poignant songs, the husbands feel "Sorry-Grateful" for their fates, a feeling that everyone has to posses at some point in their marriages. The second verse contains a haunting line that comments on Chekhov's earlier declaration.

You hold her thinking "I'm not alone." You're still alone.

Finally, Bobby realizes everything that goes into a relationship: the good, the bad and the extremely ugly, and decides, by way of the final song, "Being Alive" that he actually is ready. Who knows if he goes through with it. We have all had inspiration on Friday night only to find it gone by Monday morning.

This is a plotless show, the first of its kind, really. The vignettes give us glimpses into the couples and shed more light onto Bobby since he is involved in every scene. There are his dates with three prospective mates and his birthday parties at the beginnings of both acts and at the end of the show, although they may all be the same party. It is never really explained. The clips shown here are from the revival from 2006. I had a chance to see this when I went to New York, ironically, to propose to my future ex-wife. I stayed away, however, because does anyone really want to watch a play about the perils of marriage right after becoming engaged? We opted for three excellent alternatives.

But now seeing this version — where the actors play the instruments on the stage, not something in the original concept — I kind of wish I had seen it live. Maybe it could have been some sort of primer for what was to come. But probably not. Like I said, I have to touch that pot. I don't think a play would have changed anything.

It is amazing that Sondheim could be so astute about relationships when he stated that he didn't find lasting love until he was 60. He is 81 now, so a 21-year relationship is not too shabby. It also makes being 40 and alone a cakewalk.

This 2006 version of Company is on DVD, and the entire show is available in consecutive snippets on YouTube. I linked them in order below. If you have two hours, I highly recommend sitting down and watching it.

Company, Part 1   Company, Part 2   Company, Part 3   Company, Part 4   Company, Part 5   Company, Part 6   Company, Part 7   Company, Part 8   Company, Part 9   Company, Part 10   Company, Part 11   Company, Part 12   Company, Part 13   Company, Part 14   Company, Part 15   Company, Part 16   Company, Part 17   Company, Part 18   Company, Part 19   Company, Part 20   Company, Part 21